Retreat life can sometimes seem like groundhog day especially the moment when your alarm goes off at 5:45. But it feels good to be in a routine and in a safe and relaxing environment, especially food wise. Everything is good and everything is vegan. No stressing about what I’m eating. 1 hour meditation began at 6 and lasted an eternity. It took nearly as long to get my knees moving again after being locked in a kneeling position for so long. Legs were proper dead. Standard beautiful breakfast of fruit and homemade peanut butter before a vigorous 90 minute hatha yoga session. 

We sat under the giant tree watching huge bird sized butterflies flit and flutter about, never settling for a picture to be taken. Lunch was outstanding with aubergine fritters, ginger curry rice and salad. Emma was twitchy as the instant coffee was not hitting the spot so we headed into the village to find something stronger. There were kids everywhere today and they had upgraded their reactions to us from smiling and saying allo to full hugs, high fives and blowing kisses. It was kind of like being famous, walking down the street everyone wanted our attention and seeing the kids laugh and smile made our day. When we got to the coffee shop it was bad news, no power. So we walked further in the draining heat to another place that turned out to be closed. Not a good day coffee wise but Em pulled through. When we got back we had a dip in the pool and we’re joined by the dog which was fun. Cambodian police then arrived to check the passports of two guests as they said their visa photos weren’t clear. We all expected trouble but trouble didn’t arrive.

Next we had a 1 hour aerial yoga session and learnt to hang upside down in monkey pose which was really good fun. Another 1 hour hatha session as the sunset. And now the mozzies made an all you can eat buffet out of my legs. Dinner served was vietnamese pancakes with Pho which was lovely and filling. As we ate a gecko sat in the table light grabbing any flies that came near attracted by the glow of the bulb. All of a sudden the french girl exploded into the air screaming and freaking. A praying mantis had flown into her hair but then flew off before I could get a photo (of the mantis). The owner came running out and said he thought it was ANOTHER snake as a large one had fallen out of the tree onto the very table we sat at only last week, traumatizing the guests.

My mozzie bites kept me up most of the night itching like crazy, immediate relief arrived when I scratched them but then disappeared when I stopped scratching. I was lucky to have any skin left by morning. Which arrived early, 4am as the monks at the temple started chanting through a loudspeaker that sounded like it was in our room. Emma kept telling me to turn my alarm off and refused to believe it was real chanting not a phone alarm!

The well trained cockerels and dogs woke us before our alarms but we dozed until our phones chirped at 5:45 then we arose for 6am meditation. It was still dark as we walked past the banana trees with birds of paradise flowers nodding at us as incense wafted out of the meditation shack. Jan the owner was already sitting and welcomed us in before leading us through a 1 hour meditation. The gecko army were still out patrolling the walls. I chose to kneel but hadn’t quite got my cushion height right so struggled a bit with discomfort towards the end of the session, doing what I’ve been taught and sitting with it and not trying to avoid movement. Drilling my focus right into where the discomfort radiated from.

After meditation breakfast was served on the decking overlooking the river. Boats and ships chugged past going about their daily business. Breakfast consisted of fresh fruit (watermelon, mini bananas, papaya and dragon fruit, homemade peanut butter jam and bread). Much to Emma’s delight there was coffee but unfortunately it was of the instant variety. A big blow for her after an hours meditation.

Breakfast done there was a short hammock break before the mornings hatha yoga session (90 minute).

The session was pretty tough and cumilated with an extended fish pose. After the session I lay on my back staring up at the giant canopy of entwined branches above me, leaves gently fluttering. I heard a flip flop next to me and detected some movement on the edge of my vision. I span round and there next to me was a fish, about 5 inches along, alive and flopping across the deck which was raised in stilts 15 ft above the river bank. I have no idea where it came from and the owners had never seen a fish on the deck before. There was only one plausible explanation …….that I had manifested it with my excellent fish pose moments earlier. Either that or the cat stealthily dropped it next to my head. It had quite a few spines so I used a tongs to pick it up and launch it back off the deck into the mighty Mekong river.

The gong rang out declaring lunch was served and we ate a delicious lentil salad, green bean and ginger curry with vegetable rice. Me and Em decided to go for a walk and as soon as we slid the gate open we were confronted with our first dog, the first of many. We strode confidently past it and it settled down back in its shady spot. 30 yards later a dusty little 3 year old girl wobbled barefoot down the dirt track towards us shouting allo allo allo, she had all the swagger and confidence of an airport taxi driver and when she arrived at my feet she held her dirty hand out with a big smile, I smiled back and touched her hand and her face lit up with joy as she said one final allo before rounding on her heels and running back to the safety of her grandmother who was squatting by and fanning a small fire set underneath a large smoke stained cooking pot. Both grinned and waved at us as we walked past. We kicked out onto the road and some boys were playing a game using their sandals as bowls and a pile of crumpled notes (small amounts of reil the local currency) as the jack. We watched for a bit but couldn’t work out the rules so walked on down the dusty track being watched closely by cows staked in shadey gardens the locals continuing waving and smiling at us. We arrived at a temple with golden beasts guarding the gates and young shaven monks resting in the shade in their bright orange robes. Walking down the road one of the mopeds that brushed past us had a large cage tied to the back of it with at least 8 dogs in it. I didn’t dwell on where they were headed. A lot of the homes had stalls outside selling something, old coke bottles filled with petrol or paraffin, drinks or fruit. Some had an assortment of meat hanging from hooks, with an assortment of flies hanging from the meat. One stall had baskets of meat drying on the roof. We stopped at a meat free stall for an iced drink as a man lazed in a hammock pulling a piece of string that was rocking a rope cot with a sleeping baby in it.

We walked back to our place and had a dip in the pool to cool off and then an afternoon snooze before heading for yoga sesh 2 as the sun set. It was light when we started and dark when we finished. Mosquitoes testing my patience as they loudly buzzed cartoon style around my ears sounding like they were propelled by high speed engines. This was a nice relaxing session followed by mushroom soup and onion pizza for dinner and another chat around the table as the insect noise built up. By now I was wearing a lightweight hoody to keep the mozzies off me, they have always been fans of my blood for some reason. It started to rain gently which gave us an excuse for an early night and as we lay in bed Mr G the leader of our shack patrolled the ceiling hopefully scoffing any mosquitoes who had flown in through the rather large gaps in our blinds.

As I am writing this I am lying on a bed encased in a web like mosquito net listening to the Mekong river lapping it’s Cambodian banks. There is an insect orchestra playing outside or possibly inside our hut and a gecko is defying gravity by scurrying along the ceiling directly above us, occasionally stopping to stare at us with his two beady jet black eyes.

The day started at 04:45 when my alarm went off (playing a Band of Horses track). We only had a couple of hours sleep but had to bounce out of bed and get to the airport. Our hosts dropped us off at the bus station and we hugged them goodbye as we waited for our bus driver to finish his breakfast. It was hot, even now, although you wouldn’t think it by the actions of our bus attendant (Thai lady) who kept miming exaggerated shivers claiming it was too cold. Emma got a coffee from a vending machine and declared it disgusting (little did she know at the time, but that would be the best of her 4 coffees today). The bus was clean, tidy and spacious with reclining seats and the attendant provided us with chilled bottled water. We watched the pink sun rise as we made our way to Bangkok. Check in was straightforward so we treated ourselves to an airport meal. The standard ‘local’ airport meal (Pad Thai) was a little bit tastier and cheaper than your average airport offerings. The plane journey was over in less than an hour (but they still managed to provide a meal and a glass of wine to most passengers -not us though as they claimed we hadn’t ordered a vegetarian meal). Everyone else had fish and rice which made the plane smell like a poor version of yesterday’s fish market.

After a bit of faffing at visa control we were eventually allowed to enter Cambodia. Uniformed officers can be quite intimidating but lucky for us these ones were full of smiles. Outside the airport taxi drivers duelled for our custom but little did they know that Mr Tom and his Tuk Tuk were already on the way to collect us, sent by our accomodation (Blue indigo retreat). Emma tried another coffee and binned it after a sip and shortly later Mr Tom arrived, a chatty friendly Cambodian with a rusty Tuk Tuk. We jumped in and started our 90 minute journey to our accomodation. Thai traffic was wild but had nothing on this. Absolute chaos and craziness, mopeds and tuk Tuks everywhere. How we didn’t crash I will never know! At one point a family on a moped with two babies almost rode into us, someone also rode past with 3 air fryers strapped to his back. Bonkers. There were no glossy signs of tourism here this was real life. The duel currency (dollars and riel) takes some getting used to. We had to squeeze on a ferry to cross the Mekong (we were the only white faces on board) and bounced down the road further and further from the city, the bounces getting bigger and more frequent every kilometer. There were no shops as we know them, everything was a stall or a shack, bikes and mopeds were everywhere. 

Eventually Mr Tom started to turn down what looked at first to be a hole in a wall but as we got closer we could see this was a super narrow rutted dirt alleyway. As we edged along the rutted track locals squatted in the dust staring at us, to the left someone was butchering a chicken that was hanging from a wire. At the end of the track we were dropped off in front of a huge solid metal gate. The gate slid open and we stepped into an oasis and we’re greeted by the owner Jan who gave us a tour and got us settled. We were just in time for evening yoga on the deck beside the Mekong river as the sun set. We were under a beautiful tree and enjoyed a hatha session to stretch out after our travels. By the end of the session the mozzies were out, bats were flitting between the tree branches and a gecko was emiting a strange bicycle horn type noise.

After yoga we got some mozzie spray on us and sat down with our group for a ‘family’ style dinner. We had wontons, salad and dip and sweet potato curry with rice (possibly the only vegan meal being eaten this side of the river) which was delicious. We chatted with the small group (yoga teacher, 2 french girls one completely and hilariously bonkers and a German girl) my anxiety seemed under control and I almost enjoyed myself despite the newness of the scene and people! After dinner we washed up and I chased some geckos for pictures before returning to our room and sliding into the safety of our princess style mozzie net.

There’s an element of loneliness that comes with the heat. Cuddles and cwtching (Cwtch is a Welsh term for cuddles) are basic forms of contact but are also very effective ways to warm up and be cozy. They are not practical here. The air temp is cloying enough without the furnace like body temp of your loved one. Even a hand gently placed on your shoulder is like being branded with a red hot iron and can be suffered no more than a few seconds. The game of sleep and temperature minimisation leaves a no man’s land in the middle of the bed as we both balance on opposite edges to stay a fraction cooler. Verbally embracing rather than physically. The heat is relentless and the battle between breeze and the noisy hum of fans is real. Contact cwtching is definitely a Welsh climate sport. I am starting to be a little concerned about sleeping in a hut with no air conditioning or fan in the Cambodian jungle. The heat (and lack of sleep) now joining the list of mental concerns that roughly runs in the following order…..

1. Spiders (of any kind)

2. Venomous snakes

3. Pack of Soy (street) dogs

4. Heat

5. Having to go a day without a massage

I’m also starting to worry about the lack of variety in mushrooms available in the UK……this alone may force me to move to Thailand. Last day in Hua Hin for us before heading back to Bangkok for our flight to Cambodia. I think it’s actually cheaper here to eat out than to cook yourself. I’m not entirely sure how the economics of running a street side food stall actually turn a profit but they must do, as there are so many of them. It is a wonderful walking down the street getting that mixture of spice, charcoal and cooking odours wafting around your nose lighting up your olfactory senses.

We went to visit the old train station this morning which was beautiful…..puts our train stations to shame. Beautiful buildings and planted with some lovely mature trees standing outside as sentinels. We then visited the temple and made some offerings to the Buddhas, lit some candles and incense and rubbed some gold leaf on all 4 Buddha statues.

After wandering through the market alleyways we arrived at the beach. A tourist mecca, it was bustling with beers, horses and people. The water was lovely and the beach dotted with coconut palms. We sat in the sun slowly simmering and occasionally dipping in the cooling ocean. Hunger eventually pushed us back into the maze of stalls to find something to eat. We grabbed 2 bottles of fresh iced pomegranate juice. I may have left food too late and allowed the hangry door to be opened, so we needed to move quickly. Most places seemed to be shutting up so we headed for the market alleys. When we saw the entrance there was a food stall which had many Thai’s sat at it so we both thought great, some authentic food. As we neared and my mouth started watering, we stepped off the road and a huge rat sauntered from under the food stall straight towards us and casually walked to a drain, swiped a discarded plastic bottle out of its way and slid between the iron grilles disappearing into the underworld. We both laughed. My mouth stopped watering and we pushed on into the gloomy covered alleyway. There was an open sewer running along the edge of the foot way with a decent flow of murky brown fluid. It was then I was punched in the nose by the aroma of fish, bad fish. The most fishy of bad fish aromas I have ever experienced. We had chosen possibly the worst entrance to the market….the fish entrance. There was a wall of dried squid, shrimp, fish and God knows what each side of us and I was already thinking it was time to leave when Em said we had to get out of here. I’ve got a pretty strong stomach but not that strong. We could see the hazy daylight of  an exit to our left and made a bee line for it lapping up the fresh roadside air as soon as we emerged from the fishy catacombs.

The hunger situation was now desperate so we jumped into the nearest shop we could find which turned out to be a bakery and I happily consumed some sticky purple sweet potatoe bread and some fries while Em had an iced coffee. Em then spotted a vegan restaurant 15 mins away so we headed back out onto the city streets and walked 15 mins to the restraunt which was light and clean inside with a good selection of vegan meals. We had a couple of iced singhas some fried cauliflower cakes with chili sauce, tofu and avocado salad and Tom yum soup (getting brave I asked for spicy as opposed to a little bit spicy). The food was well presented and tasted good. The Tom yum had a good spice level, the level that makes you cough on your first mouth full and by your second, beads of sweat start congregating on your temple. The iced singhas came in handy. We left the air conditioned room and we’re back on the streets for 30 seconds before being willingly bekoned into a massage parlour for an hour long foot massage which was bliss, however, the shoulder work was savage and had me wincing. But it felt good when it finished….and afterwards.

We had a taxi home and cooked one last meal before packing our rucksacks and and retreating for an early night in preparation for our 5 am start tomorrow. Not before Ems Dad gifted me some clothes to help me blend in with the locals in Cambodia.

We had a quiet day that of course started with coffee for Em and I had a little run. It was warm and sunny so we chilled around the pool talking and reading. We had a couple of goes on Joys moped to try and get the hang of it, there were lots of shrieking, laughing and jumping around, I don’t think we did get the hang of it.

In the afternoon we went shopping and I cooked a meal for the family dinner. We had Thai style enoki with cashews, smoked crispy shitake and king oyster scallops (again), Roast potatoes, coleslaw with a spicy mango dressing, horseradish sauce and peppercorn sauce with shots of ginger and turmeric to start.

I broke the house record for number of pans used and height of washing up pile, I managed to stain my hand orange with the raw tumeric juice…..looking like I’d smoked golden Virginia roll ups for the last 40 years. Today we had no encounters with dogs, spiders or snakes. One more day in Thailand then we head for Cambodia and I think things are about to get spicy.

The phone alarms chirped us awake at 7 am having slept through the night. Teeth brushed we jumped in the car for an early morning lift into town apologising to our hosts for their forced early start. We were due to hire bikes and were following the shops (Thai style) instructions which led us straight to the wrong shop. After a couple of phone calls and some searching (where Em managed to obtain her morning coffee) we eventually found our target and we’re introduced to our guide (and shop owner ‘A’) and George who was a hard knock 70 year old Scottish expat. He worked on the rigs and rode his mtb for fun and was fit as a fiddle. George was our sweeper and his job was to ride last and make sure neither of us got lost in the jungle. Next we met our steeds for the day, a couple of basic Giant hardtails fitted with a bottle of iced water. After the safety brief…..which consisted of ‘You follow me’ we were off, rolling into the Thai traffic negotiating a swarm of mopeds then crossing the road through a grand archway into a large golden roofed temple area.

We slipped out the back of the temple into some local back alleys, the type the tourist rarely sees. They were too small for cars and seemed to be mainly used by mopeds and tuk tuks. There was a drainage ditch to our left and as our shadows crept over the waters surfaced we startled a couple of Black winged stilts (possibly) who exploded into the air squeaking abuse at us. We very cautiously crossed a train line as the alleys got quieter and greener. Past a small lake that sat in front of yet another temple we spotted a large electric blue kingfisher flying low across the the surface and landing gracefully on a perch. Picture perfect. We now cycled along some sandy scrub over loose dry sand and staying upright became quite challenging. Now we started to  enter the jungle and were soon brushing past vegetation and ducking under branches yesterday’s new friends (spider and snake) pushed their way to the front of my brain. Flinching and grimacing everytime I touched a leaf. This was added too by the fact that the low vegetation looked like stingy nettles (thankfully stingless) and the sudden appearance on the trail of pockets of loose sand meant that I mainly riding in a unusual and often panicked style. 

Our guide pointed out several bushes and trees to avoid as they were armed with hidden thorns that were well hidden, so hard to pick out when you were moving at speed. As we cycled the trails a selection of butterfly’s would float past us but never settle for a photograph. We cruised around for a bit playing on the trails which were mostly rough and washed out but sometimes smooth enough to get some good flow going. At one point I got cocky and went too fast and as I cornerned a pocket of sand sent me off the trail towards a bush whose hidden thorns tore at my exposed right arm and released some claret. Nothing serious. We came to another lake with more kingfishers. Em had a puncture, and really enjoyed the fact that for once she didn’t have to fix it herself as the guide insisted. As we headed out of the jungle we came to the last loose rocky descent and after A issued a warning of steep loose rocky danger Em offered George to go before her so he could enjoy the drop instead of being held up. Unfortunately half way down George took a tumble and took a chunk out of his brow and his knee and probably his pride. He seemed ok though, we cycled on. A showed us the pineapple fields and Em was again amazed that they grew on small plants not palm trees, something she had already learnt on this trip. After taking some local short cuts and riding along the railway line we eventually got back to the shop after 3 hours in the saddle.

Our guide recommended a coffee shop and Thai food place to us so we set off  for an early lunch. The shop had oat milk and Em got an iced coffee and I also treated myself to a rare caffeinated cup to keep the buzz going after the ride. We went to the food stall where the workers were watching daytime Thai tv. The people here are so polite and professional when it comes to service, I have never seen anything like it. They earn their tips for sure but I guess that might be the reward that has evolved this level of service on top of their natural kindness. I had tofu pad Thai and spring rolls and Em had Thai omelette and spring roll. I upped my game and sprinkled extra chilli on my shiny noodles. They were delicious.

We then decided we would try and walk the 20 km home through the resort and onto the beach. Nobody else seemed to be walking but for me it was the perfect pace to absorb the place and people. Having now discovered massages they always seemed to be on my mind and after a couple of hours we slipped into a cool massage house for an hour long foot massage. As always the lady washed our feet and we apologised for the dirt and dust from the road and trail. Soon we were sat in comfy armchairs with experienced hands pawing away the aches of our tired feet. An hour flew by and then we were back on the road and we soon encountered signs that got my heart racing ‘do not feed the monkeys’ and a childhood dream of wanting to be robbed by a monkey came back to me. Now every step taken was done so scanning for monkey action. After a couple of kilometers I gave up and we cut down a side street towards the beach.

All of a sudden Em shouted monkey and I followed her finger and there it was, my first wild monkey sat by the side of the road looking like a hairy Victor Meldrew. Awesome. We soon spotted others lurking around and I managed to get close enough to take a picture and regretted not buying some bananas to hang out of my pocket to entice these hairy rogues to mug me. We hit the beach and it was tourist central. All sun beds and lookey lookey….at least for a few hundred yards then normal service resumed. Some Thais were out on longboards catching a few waves (tiddlers). As we walked along the beach we noticed millions of tiny crabs escaping our feet and darting down their holes. It’s was a long long beach and we had to get to the other side so I decided to run my first Asian 5 km. Sandals off and in my rucksack I opted for barefoot. Em preferred to walk so I said I would run back to her when I finished. The run was ok as the sea breeze was cooling and I could move along that thin layer of water the retreating waves left behind. The rhythmic splashes cooling my legs and hypnotising my mind. When I hit 4 km I turned and ran back to Em. Easy beach navigation done we now had to work out how to walk back to the house. Google came in handy for our walking route but it does not have filters for spiders, snakes or angry packs of dogs. Off the beach straight into scrub I used a stick to beat the ground in front of us to ironically scare off the very creatures I was desperate to see.

We eventually came out on a road and I got to have a close look at a squashed bright green tree snake which was a beautiful and surprisingly soft creature. Around the next corner was a full platoon of angry street dogs. We had no other way to go, they were kicking off and barking psyching each other up for the attrack and the delicacy of some pale tourist legs. This was a big pack, 20 plus. I discarded my stick and upgraded to a sturdier piece of bamboo, as we edged closer the barking had brought out a thai guy who shouted and launched some stones at the dogs. The stones seemed to work so I scrabbled for some from the dusty ground (to use to scare, not to hit) and by the time I had turned around the dogs had melted away into the roadside vegetation. We carefully stalked past the area where they were last seen, checking the low level tunnels through the greenery. We made it past safely and were glad when we reached a populated area. We then had to cross a railway line and a busy road before safely returning to the right side of the track and the home straight. It was a real pleasure to shower and slip into the cool silky pool after an active day in the heat 

The fun didn’t stop there as we went on a family outing to the night food market. We arrived just as darkness was falling and the colourful lanterns were just starting to twinkle. The place was packed with food and people. We were all hungry, but I had a full storm of hangriness brewing, so we opted for a quick smash and grab first course to stave away the edginess. There were all sorts here and if I still ate meat or fish there’s a good chance I would have ended up bankrupt. First course was tornado potatoe (twirly potato on a stick sprinkled with seaweed salt) corn on the cob, tofu pad Thai and iced berry smoothy. Devoured with gusto and very delicious. The bustle and excitement for me was intense, I felt like a kid in a toy shop, with a gold card! Next up Em had some gyzoa and I had spicy pounded mango salad, delicious and as I just I was saying to the others that it was not too spicy a chili bomb detonated in my mouth. There were some chilis hidden in there. Small ones that like small dogs, have big attitudes! Emma then had bubble waffles and her Dad and Joy returned to the table with some treats for me. A legendary durian fruit and some mango sticky rice. I held my nose shut as I ate the durian and felt like I’d won the durian lottery, it tasted delicious to me, like a dessert version of an avocado. I bravely sniffed it and there was no really bad smell (this was a Chinese durian as Thai were not in season and I was told they weren’t anywhere near as wifey as the real deal). The mango rice is a Thai desert that resembles a dry rice pudding. Coconut cream poured over the rice spooned into your mouth with a piece of juicy fresh mango is a magnificent experience. I can see why this is so popular. What a day, what a night!

Yes! 6 days in and our first full night sleep! We did stay up until 01:30 though to increase our chances of sleeping through and it seemed to work despite being a particularly muggy night. Sleeping whilst sweating does not come easily to my Welsh blood. Once up, you know what comes next….the coffee hunt! Today we walked to a different place called Good cup, sneaking past no name cafe so as not to upset the owner. Good cup, it turns out was an apt name. Em had a oat capaccino and I was feeling wild so went for something new which was an iced oat matcha latte…… to match my new fancy haircut. What has become of me? There was a bit of confusion ordering until an Englishman (5 years in Thailand) stepped in to help us. You could tell he had been out here a while as he was wearing a woolly jumper and we were sweating in vest tops.

After we finished our drinks our hosts picked us up to take us to a forest park to satisfy our need for some nature. On the drive there we spotted a huge shiny snake gliding across the road and I fought every urge in my body to jump out of the car to get a closer look, we couldn’t tell if it was an ok snake a bad snake or a really bad snake. It was still exciting watching it through the car window as it slowly dissolved into the grassy verge. This was a good start! We pulled up into the forest car park and walked through the trees heading for the beach. I chased a few bugs around trying to get a picture and then I saw a giant hornet and started skipping after that hoping it would land so I could get closer but it never did and I eventually let it go its own way and caught up with the others now on the beach. The beach was a long arc of sea smoothed sand stretching from a forested headland to a man made breakwater at the far end. The drift line was like something out of Robinson Crusoe….littered with coconuts (some hairy some smooth) bamboo and strange shells. It was pretty windy and the sea was choppy with small blown out waves. The water was warm and pushing freshly marooned shells in before our eyes. Every now and then there would be a dead silver shiny fish sliding up and down the sand with the foamy water.

After a lengthy walk we headed back to the car and cafe for coffee number 2 and an iced cocunut water. There were chickens everywhere scratching around and I remembered reading something about them being used to kill any snakes lurking too close to human areas. Then we moved onto a boardwalk through the mangrove and you could easily see why people struggle in mangroves…..it was like a prison…..each tree with 20 or so legs tangled into those of a neighbour it would take you the best part of a day to cover 50 metres. Mangroves are loved by crabs and an info board suggested there were at least 8 species here. Initially they were difficult to spot but once you got your eye in you could get a glimpse of them unless your shadow crossed them at which point they would disappear in a flash back into their muddy holes. Some had bright red claws and lovely blue markings. At the end of the walkway we jumped on a boat and an old Thai lady slowly took us off down the main channel. Within a few minutes a very large snake swam past us, it’s head raised out of the water like a submarines periscope. This was closely followed by a large swimming lizard, you know the ones as long as a large dog and as tall as a medium sized rabbit. There were plenty of egrets about and after about 10 minutes we emerged into a large shipping channel hitting the wake of a small boat and alarmingly rocking almost to the point of no return. As the sea was rough most of the boats seemed to be in the harbour with fishermen on deck repairing nets and smoking cigarettes happy to return the waves of a couple of Welsh tourists. We cruised in close to the treeline and had an excellent view of a large kingfisher that was perched on a branch hanging about 10 cm above the waters surface. The quiet captain had been watching our pointing and spotting and now joined the game taking us in closer to see various birds and a very large lizard who seemed to be tasting our breath with it’s whip-like tongue.

We eventually docked on a small wooden jetty and exited the watercraft like a couple of wobbly landlubbers much to the amusement of the Thai’s. Quickly walking back to civilisation along the mangrove walkway as Emma needed a pee. In her rush to the loo’s she almost walked into a hand sized golden orb spider (skull like carrapiece, red fangs and yellow stripes) that was hanging in its web between two trees. It was big and exactly at face height. While I was trying to get the camera to focus on it the wind kept blowing it closer to me and sending little shivers down my spine. To get a feel for it hold your hand out in front of you, palm towards your face, fingers splayed. Now put your open hand on your face and pretend it is a giant spider. We grabbed another drink to keep ourselves hydrated and decided to walk along to the other end of the beach into the settlement and maybe get some food.

The beach was lovely and nobody was around, just us and the coconuts. When we eventually got to the other end we realised we were cut off by the tide and after much debating we accepted we would have to behave like trashy tourists and climb up and along someone’s garden wall which had a drop on the right hand side 10 foot down onto the beach. At the end of this wall we clambered onto another thinner wall and had to walk along this now with a 10 foot drop both sides, one to the sea and one to a overgrown field where Emma saw a rat bouncing along. We could see that if we balanced along this and around a corner we could make it to what looked like a road. Walking with aeroplane arms we made it to the end. I, being a gentleman, offered to jump down into the overgrowth first clapping loudly to (hopefully) scare away snakes and shouting at the ground to (hopefully) scare away spiders, rats and any other unsavouries. I jumped down, checked my feet and gave Em the green light to join me. She did we climbed onto the road and smugly high fived each other. 

Turning around we looked up as a dog ambled into the road 100 yards ahead of us. Hmmm a dog. This was closely followed by another and another and another. We were now looking at 5 dogs and 5 dogs were looking at us. 5 dogs were walking at us. 5 dogs were trotting at us. 5 dogs were running at us. We both turned on our heels and launched into the field and remembering Emma’s dad’s advice about stomping loudly to scare away snakes we ran stomped through the field and jumped and pulled ourselves up the far wall half expecting teeth to clamp onto our achilles at any moment but we made it out alive looking back we could see 5 dogs laughing at us. 

We followed our own footsteps back up the beach and found another track to the main road and then headed home. Before I knew it we were back in a massage house for Thai massage number 2. The Thai ladies seem to love the way I put on their massage pyjammas, take them off and then put them on the right way around. Toady they called me Pappa…..I think short for Pappa Smurf. My lady, Lilly was kind and gentle to me as Joy had breifed her I was a wimp and it was also clear to her I had no idea what I was doing. I was lying there at one point and I could swear it was that spider massaging me. There was no way a human had that many knees and elbows to dig into my poor back and legs! Lilly got a 100 Baht tip and danced off with a big smile on her face waving her note around like a flag. I had made her day and that made my day too.

There was a food stall outside so we got some deep fried twisty potatoes sprinkled with salt. Simple, crisp and golden they were delicious (the little girl who sold them to us got a 5 baht tip – the leftover change and had a smile as big a Lilly’s). It was dark now and we headed home to an awesome home cooked meal of Jasmine rice, massaman curry and stir fry expertly cooked by Joy followed by a pineapple tart flavoured kit Kat that we had aquired in the shop earlier that day, Emma was unsure if it was good or bad!

A quick cool off in the pool before an early night (11 pm) as we have to arise at dawn tomorrow for our next adventure.

Both Em and I are still struggling to sleep at night. Nodding off for a couple of hours but then awake until about 3 or 4. Strangely though I am not tired in the day, I would really be struggling with this amount of sleep back home. We were up about 10 and headed back to the no name cafe for coffee (and matcha iced tea for me) with the chickens. We then walked on a bit further so Em could have coffee no. 2 ……iced coconut latte. While we were sat there sweating, two Thai teenage girls came in wearing super thick hoodies with the hoods up! just the thought of it almost made us pass out!

We were then taken to the floating market by our hosts a mixture of foods, clothes and souvenier stalls set around a lovely lake with large fish lurking just below the surface. We had a refreshing coconut smoothie and some roasted banana with a sticky toffee sauce which was very tasty. Emma won a cuddly toy on a shooting stall and we browsed the gift stalls but Emma was frustrated at being unsuccessful in convincing me to buy a ‘thai’ shirt. 

It was then on to a Thai Buddhist temple which was lovely and peaceful. The statues were amazing and the main Buddha was absolutely huge with eyes that seemed to pierce into you. There were a number of smaller Buddhas where people had purchased a piece of gold leaf and rubbed it onto the statue as an offering. These bits of gold were fluttering in the wind giving the Buddha a hypnotic rippling gold surface.

We got to strike a gong and bell before making an offering of a coin at the foot of a smaller Buddha. Some of the flowering trees were beautiful but strange to my Welsh eyes. We caught glimpses of a number of monks floating around the place and cooled down with some coconut ice cream.

On the way home we stopped off at a Thai supermarket and I managed to find some more new mushrooms to cook for tea. 

When we got back to the house me and Emma decided to go for a stroll and I ended up getting my hair cut at a Thai barbers. I hadn’t had a haircut in the barbers for around 10 years (I’ve been cutting it myself or forcing family members to do it). It was quite strange going to a barbers who could not speak my language. I showed a picture of the style I wanted and they nodded and smiled and spent about 45 minutes cutting my hair with various razors and shavers including a cut throat that was skillfully scraped across my skin while I held my breath and tried not to swallow, sneeze or scratch that itch on my nose. They had made an honest attempt at styling it to my request, unlike the barbers back home who give you the same 1930’s cut whatever style you request. They were precise and highly skilled I was more than happy with my cut (and beard trim) and paid 200 baht (100 Baht is just over £2) and gave a 100 Baht tip that I wàs later advised was too much but they were so competent I was happy to pay. Em got her nails done and I headed back to start cooking dinner (seared king oyster mushroom, salad and sweet and sour veg – bamboo shoots, coconut palm, kale, pepper, water lilly shoots and cashews with noodles topped with crispy shredded tofu). We only had one meal so far today (and a few snacks) definitely eating less in this heat. Everyone here including the dogs are trying to hide out of the sun to stay cool but you just can’t escape it, it’s pursues you relentlessly and when you think you have shaken it off your tail it’s there around the corner waiting for you. And this is winter……it just gets hotter! For me it’s the first time in heat without any sunbathing and that seems both strange and normal.

Em did some admin work after dinner (sorting out the next stages of travel) and we finished the day with a dip in the pool, there’s something special about slipping into a blue pool after nightfall that is magical. The silky cooling water soft against your skin, we played about like otters gliding along the bottom and floating on our backs. I had a quick scan in the bushes for snakes (jealous that Emma had seen one earlier whilst I was cooking), just hoping for a non venomous one. I wasn’t trying too hard as I still had Ems dad’s stories of garden king cobras buzzing round my overheated brain. After a shower we settled down with an ice cold zero beer some mushroom crackers (like prawn crackers) and a bowl of fresh Longan Fruit (similar to lychee) whilst watching a film. Trying to stay up as late as possible to see if we could improve our chances of sleeping through the night.

Emma struggled to sleep again last night so we ended up arising very late (for us)…about 11 am. We went on a coffee hunt thinking our guests were still in bed (turned out they were in the room next to us waiting for us to get up!). Stepped outside and pow the heat hit me with that surprise shock….again. We walked down the road to a place called ‘no name cafe’ which seemed to be a coffee truck in someone’s front garden and it turned out that someone made good coffee which put a smile on Ems face. I had an iced green lemon tea which was new and nice, if a little sweet for me (sugar syrup seems to go in everything here, I think the thais have a sweet tooth and I haven’t seen a lot of candy this this must be how they get their hit, along with putting sugar on and in their food). We sat for a while amongst long stands of wispy beard like air plants and free roaming chickens (maybe anti snake tools?) watching some asian doves softly pick through the dust.

Emma decided this was a two coffee morning so we strolled off to find cafe number two. Which also turned out to be a coffee truck this time parked on the side of the road. It was an iced coconut americano for Emma which she really enjoyed and we think was dairy free?!

At this point we had a call from her Dad who was looking for us as they had booked a Thai massage for us all. They soon pulled up alongside the coffee truck and we jumped in and headed down the two lane road further into town, it was good to see a cycle track here running parallel to the road but this seemed to be used mainly by mopeds, which are everywhere, going in every direction. This was to be my first Thai massage and I had heard many stories of how rough they can be (including during the short journey there – trying to figure out how much this was a gentle warning or a wind up) so I was a little nervous…..much like when I was a boy moving up to comprehensive school and I was told I would be getting beaten up and having my head flushed down the loo on my first day…..which of course never actually happened. But the Thai massage did happen.  

All of us were led to a large room where we had our feet washed and slippers……slipped on. We changed into the baggy clothes they provided and settled down on the mat for a pummelling. I was assured that Joy had instructed my lady to go easy on me and in truth mostly she did. There were however a few times when I had to stifle a scream (to save the family honour) notibly when an elbow was inserted with considerable force into a tender nook of my shoulder blade (repeatably as the lady had decided this area needed close elbow attention) and when a foot was pushing hard on my thigh with a hand pulling hard on my ankle with I think an elbow working with force into my IT band, in my blindfolded state I imagined I was being tied up like in a cartoon and forcefully prodded with a burning stick. It went on forever and we seemed to balance on the edge of pleasure and pain in a way that you know sometimes you will go over the edge but at the end there will generally be a positive balance. I had a level one massage, Joy on the other hand, as a Thai had an exponentially higher level AND fell asleep!

It was an amazing experience and thankfully I didn’t have to suffer any of the legendary cracking or popping (the thought of which has always made me shudder) other than my toes and fingers which I could just about handle. Everybody else seemed to enjoy there’s too. For me this was much preferable to the relaxing oil massage. We then headed to the local food market and me and Emma shared some pad Thai, spicy mushroom salad (not too hot), vegetable and tofu soup and a selection of Korean tofu and seaweed dumplings (deep fried) with some tasty dipping sauces.

After lunch was the main event for me, as we went to the local fruit and vegetable market which was amazing. The variety, price and freshness was through the roof! I could’ve honestly spent all day there learning about the different vegetables and exploring the sights, tastes and smells. There was a lot going on with smells of cooking varieties of fish meat crabs and prawns wafting through the stalls amongst the background smell of the charcoal that was fueling the endless woks. You could buy anything you like, skewered and cooked right in front of you. There were rows and rows of all sorts of green vegetables so many it made me dizzy, this was market shopping, grab what looks good and work out what to do with it later. I cannot put into words how much I enjoyed this experience and it was a privellage to have Joy show us around and guide and translate us as I think I would have been too shy and uptight to fully experience it if we were alone. A very memorable afternoon and I shall try and recall what we bought –

Carrots, bok choy, coriander, coconut palm, bean sprouts, fermented vegetable, cashews, jack fruit, kale, lettuce, cucumber, water lilly shoots, purple sweet potato, tofu, grapes, watermelon, something like lychee and much much more that I’ve forgotten the names of. 

It was then down to me to ready steady cook it while the others did some gardening chores so we ended up with a salad, coriander lime and chili dressing, pureed purple sweet potato with coconut, crispy shitake mushrooms, enoki and bamboo shoot stir fry, jackfruit curry and crispy tofu and some of that lovely black rice (cooked by Joy). It seemed to go down well, it was fun to cook and really fun to shop for the ingredients, I had watched countless travel cookery shows in the he past with the likes of Keith Floyd and Rick Stein and now I felt I was in my own episode, minus the wine but still smiling. After dinner we cleaned up and I cooled off in the pool, one eye on the cocounts clinging precariously to the palm directly above my floating head.

Honestly…..that market……will be in my dreams tonight!

I was up at 8 and read for a few hours before waking Em at the agreed time of 10 am. A quick shower and we headed off to grab a coffee to help blow the cobwebs away. I took advantage of the city coffee shop vegan chocolate cake (concerned that once we left the city behind, we would also leave the vegan options behind) and Em had her usual coffee, with a muffin. We sat there looking out on a hot city day whilst listening to Wham’s ‘last christmas’. We stretched our legs through the mall and enjoyed some nice coconut smoothies like proper little mall rats. Back to the hotel room and we had a call to say our car had arrived (Sent by Ems Dad). Bags safely loaded it was only now that I truly appreciated Bangkok’s size as we snaked along the intertwined road networks leaving the city. The buildings slowly decreasing in stature, being replaced with much more humble abodes. As the sky scape opened up the 3 d feel of a high rise city was replaced with a 2 dimensional plain and green started to replace the grey and glass. The jumbled mass of electrical cables strung along the roadside had me contemplating exactly how an engineer could possibly find a fault.

I was impressed with the cleanliness of the city, despite the lack of bins it was almost spotless, no litter anywhere, putting our UK cities, towns and even villages to shame. Despite Wales being the 2nd best rated country in the world for recycling we have a serious litter problem. There were people scratching a living by collecting recyclables on the Bangkok streets making a good job of scavenging what they could. No doubt nature’s number 1 scavenger, the rat, also does it’s fair share of work cleaning up any edible scraps from the city streets.

There were some homeless beggars but not as much as I had anticipated. On our street, beggars consisted mainly of young girls cradling babies, a sad sight but a reasonably effective strategy when applied to the herds of western tourists I would imagine.

I had hours of absorbing Thai roadside vibes which I did not tire of. Dozing along the way I spotted a smattering of egrets, another night heron and a team of orange shirted engineers who appeared to be searching a jungle of wires for a fault, who knows how long they had been there…..possibly weeks.

After just over 3 hrs in an air conditioned car (just long enough for me to completely forget about the outside temperature…..again!) we arrived at our destination and were greeted by Emma’s Dad and his wife who I met for the first time. After some hugs we were given the tour of the beautiful home complete with superb veranda, pool, palms (with coconuts), peacock and elephant topiaries. A little piece of heaven. 

After catching up we cooled off in the pool before heading off for a walk around the local lake and a look at the local beach. A long stretch of white sand with a few small islands peppered offshore they were quiet at this time of day. The point at one end of the beach was covered in green jungle with a giant golden Buddha strikingly sat on top of the hill.

There was a little shack of aquariums stocked with fish and frogs resembling a UK pet shop although these would no doubt end up on a plate not as a pet.

We returned home for some more conversation before being treated to a lovely Thai meal which included my first taste of black rice with a tofu and Thai eggplant curry and mixed veg and tofu stir fry. Delicious. As night fell photo shy geckos appeared on the walls, tiredness gripped us and we headed to bed for an early night.